by Sasha Reddy
The battle with one’s body image is often a battle unseen. Having gone through several cycles of aggressive and unsustainable weight loss, Liz Cackowski knows the physical and emotional turmoil it can take. The times she spent shrinking her waistline to achieve self-worth only fed her self-loathing. Four years of dedicated introspection have allowed Liz to break the cycle and develop a healthier relationship with her nutrition, exercise, and self-perception, but it hasn’t been an easy road. She’s grown to appreciate fitness and food for how they shape her overall health and mood, not just a means to an end. Now, she’s eager to share her perspective with others who may be struggling, too.
Liz was overweight as a child, and many classmates and peers mocked her for it. “I used to get teased a lot when I was younger,” she says. “I wasn’t very athletic – was picked last in gym class and stuff. I just had a lot of body image issues.”
Her first compulsion to lose weight came after ending an abusive high school relationship. The breakup felt like catharsis, “like shedding everything,” and Liz went on to lose 100 lbs. in the months after. Though the weight loss was quick and the means questionable, at the time, it felt like a necessary personal victory after a difficult chapter in her life.
That was the start of Liz’s poisoned relationship with weight gain and loss. First, she’d cut her calories aggressively to shed pounds fast. Once satisfied by the number on the scale, she’d begin to loosen the reigns, telling herself, “Yes, I can grab dinner from Arby’s tonight,” or “Yes, I can have a larger slice of cake.” A treat here and there would devolve into a complete break from watching her diet and working out regularly. As her weight climbed again, so did her shame. Eventually, she’d hit a breaking point, begin eating as little and working out as much as possible to drop her weight back down, and the cycle would repeat.
“I did a lot of introspection…a lot of trying to revisit some old traumas – just to really get as healthy as I could.”
Stressful life events have made Liz especially susceptible to this spiral. “When I had my first son,” she recalls, “I had postpartum depression pretty bad, and so I had gotten pretty big. By the time he was three, I was just done. I was like, ‘I can’t live this way anymore.'” After another period of relentless workouts and restrictive eating, she again dropped 70 lbs. “But then my dad died,” Liz sighs, “and so it started creeping on again.”
Determined to find a more sustainable regimen, Liz worked with personal trainer Andrea Bradley throughout her second pregnancy. For a while, she was successful, loyally attending her fitness sessions until just two weeks before her due date. But complications from a c-section meant she couldn’t get back to the gym as soon as she’d have liked after giving birth to her second son, and postpartum depression set in again.
“I was so upset with myself that I had lost my momentum,” Liz confesses. “That I had failed again.”
And the challenges didn’t let up either. Between the pandemic, marital issues, and other stressors, Liz started drinking regularly. Though she’d always been able to take care of her kids and perform well at work, her dependency was apparent. “It got to the point where I really hated myself,” she admits. “I was so miserable. And I kept thinking, ‘you know, maybe I should come back to the gym’ because I had been really happy here.” Despite the urge to return, she avoided HAC, afraid of disappointing those who had seen her progress while she’d been training.
January 2021 marked a pivotal change. “I quit drinking,” Liz says firmly. “I wanted to deal with the wounds that led me to drink. I did a lot of introspection at that point, a lot of trying to revisit some old traumas – just to really get as healthy as I could.”
She’d gone six months without drinking before she told anyone that she’d stopped. Though Liz describes herself as shy, she has a vast online community of friends. When she finally opened up about her sobriety milestone, she received genuine praise, and others felt compelled to share their sobriety stories, too.
It had been eighteen months since her last drink when a friend asked Liz casually whether she’d recently lost weight. While she hadn’t been trying to shed pounds, the question prompted Liz to step on a scale for the first time in a while. Finding that she’d lost 40 lbs. since her last weigh-in was a shock. “It was really encouraging,” she remembers. If this was what she could achieve by prioritizing her well-being over her weight, she was eager to see what more she could do.
Liz started making gradual lifestyle changes with sustainability top-of-mind. She would take walks around the block to slowly build her endurance and make “slightly better choices” with her diet. By the fall of 2022, she finally overcame her self-consciousness and decided to return to the gym.
“It got to the point where I really hated myself.”
“The first couple of weeks were hard,” Liz admits. “It is not fun to start. But I was really proud of myself afterward, and I liked that feeling. Yeah, I struggled, but I got it done.” Slowly, her endurance grew, and the workouts became less work.
Over time, the gym became a sanctuary for Liz. No matter what was weighing on her, when she walked through the HAC’s front doors, her feelings became fuel for her workout. Her excitement overflowed whenever she successfully performed a new exercise or set a new personal best. “I have so much fun with my workouts now,” Liz declares proudly. “It’s not something I do because I want to lose weight. I really LOVE coming to the gym.”
Every once in a while, Liz has an experience that reaffirms just how far she’s come. Recently, she treated herself to dinner at Banks Seafood Kitchen for the first time in a while. After chowing down on a delicious crab cake salad, she looked over the dessert menu. Two options caught her eye: a truffle cupcake and a house-made chocolate cherry gelato. So, Liz got both. “I savored every single bite,” she smiles. “And I didn’t let myself freak out about the calories or anything. I just enjoyed it. And that’s how I know that this time’s going to stick because I was able to let myself indulge a little bit – not over crap that I’m going to regret later, but something really quality, really tasty. And then I got right back on my normal thing the next day.”
Between January of 2021 and fall of 2023, Liz lost 120 lbs. and gained some muscle, too. Where once she feared the scale and prioritized appearance over all else, she’s learned to embrace balance in the gym and with her diet. “I am still really careful about my food,” Liz explains, “but it’s not like a punishment anymore. I’m not trying to eat as little as possible. If I want to have some ice cream with my kids, I’ll have ice cream with my kids. And I make really healthy food that’s really delicious. I look at it as fuel for my workouts. If I eat poorly one day, I feel it the next day, but I don’t beat myself up for it anymore.”
She tries to instill the same wisdom in her children, too. “The attitudes that I’ve been trying to break – they started for me at a very young age, and I don’t want that with my kids. I make sure they eat their vegetables and make good choices while still enjoying themselves.” At home, she frames food as fuel and encourages all things in moderation, reminding them that it’s okay to have dessert once in a while.
Her sons, now 11 and 6, have even become interested in fitness, too. “My older one has done some HIIT workouts with me at home, and he asks about weightlifting,” Liz reports.
“Now, I know that if I can do this, anybody can do it.”
Liz used to be the kind of person to worry about what she ate for lunch and how long she’d need to use the treadmill to burn it off. “I’m trying to grow into my skin now,” she says. “I’m happier and healthier than I ever thought was possible, and it really doesn’t have a whole lot to do with what I look like.” Prioritizing her health over a slim waistline has been freeing, and she hopes that sharing her journey will help others who may be struggling. “People always talk about before and after pictures, and I love showing my before and after pictures so I can show people what they can do. But no one ever thinks about what happens after the after. Life keeps going on.”
Liz’s journey from self-punishment to self-acceptance has reshaped her life. She now relishes the everyday joys of being active and living a balanced life. As she looks back on her journey, Liz marvels at how far she’s come. “I couldn’t see what I was here for a couple of years ago,” she says. “Now, I know that if I can do this, anybody can do it.”
